Most governments are built on taxes, and our government had to have revenue, but we got ours without direct taxes. It was real money when you came into Gainesville Florida, or left it. It was one credit, and lots of laborers worked all day and didn’t make a whole credit.
I was like a judge and got no salary. I was judge for life, otherwise my job would be political, and judges have to be independent. What I did receive was prisoners directly from police arrests. I hired the police chief and every arrest was a criminal act that put some money in my pocket, and I paid the police.
Considering crime, our system made the asset report of each criminal more important than the police report of the crime.
To be totally fair about crime I classified crimes by value. Murder was the worse crime, so on my chart murder was listed as ‘a million credits, slavery or death. We had multiple choice justice.
Gainesville Florida is a very large town and I don’t hold court every day, and we don’t need twenty county judges, and seven circuit judges, all my system needs is me. Every day I work I dispose of every case in the category I’m working like: robbery, rape, breaking and entering, trespass and murder. I hear the cases, and have lots of time off, doing the whole case load myself. I make plenty of money, and pay the policemen a living wage, and they have no property tax if they own a house.
On the third Wednesday of the month I do murder. Now we have lots of murders that are complained about. I’ve been told that half the bodies that are buried in Alachua County were stuck with a knife or shot with a gun. The fact always is that only half of those done are police reported. Lots of people just work out a deal between themselves. Government doesn’t have to decide everything for people.
In Gainesville I didn’t devise several kinds of murder like calling it manslaughter if a car killed a person. My idea is that people should settle their own problems. If they bring their problem ot me — then I will decide.
The way I run the court is totally efficient. I wanted to know each accused persons assets, what they could pay, and I wanted that quickly.
Lawyers could not come in my court and talk to me. That saved much time. They could come to court and observe if they paid a one credit entrance fee.
On Murder Wednesday my bailiffs lined up the accused. Women were in one line — I took them first, you know the old saying, “Ladies first.” Then I took the line of men.
I always had the finest prosecutor money could buy. I was kept buying bankrupt lawyers and destitute attorneys.
The police were all hired by me and paid by me out of the assets we seized from the criminals. I usually finished an average of 200 murderers every month. As the line moved forward on Wednesday I let each accused have a ‘FIVE MINUTE SAY’. and then if they were guilty they were to tell me the penalty, money slavery or execution. Many people didn’t have money, so in those cases they had two choices.
If they were not guilty they usually told me during the 5 minutes and then either way they pled they could tell what penalty they wanted or if they didn’t choose I would choose for them.
In their individual folder there was a page summary on one side by their lawyer and on the other side a page by the prosecutor. Everything was numbered like #1 Jack Jones was shot by Shirley Jones at the Due Drop Inn on Nov. 1st. Then #1 by the defense might be, ‘Shirley Jones was in Ocala on the day and night of Oct. 20th to Nov. 3rd.
#2 New theory of crime: Shirley paid Patrick Siser to shoot Jack. He confessed’ The cashed payment check was recovered from 1st Florida Bank. #2 defense: Patrick Saser did plumbing work at Shirley’s house. That was the reason for the check.
Answer to #2 from the defense: Patrick Saser has never worked as a plumber or handyman. He did pay a fine in Alachua Criminal Court of 1,000 credits for robbery of a dwelling.
Lawyers always fill up the page, so that their clients will think they are getting their money’s worth, but these were the important arguments and answers.
Shirley Jones ws number 31 in the ‘Murder Line’, on Murder Wednesday. I had them in line based on the date of the crime. I even had numbered ‘T’ shirts for each inmate to wear to court — pink for female and blue for males.
During her minute Shirley told me how innocent she was, and it was a good act. If we still used juries they probably would have believed her.
I rarely ask questions, but after her speech I said, “So how do you plead — guilty or innocent” and she said, “I’m totally innocent but I plead guilty and ask for slavery”
“If your innocent why plead guilty?” I said.
“My lawyer said things look bad for me, and when such cases are left to your decision, 70% of the convicted women are beheaded. I would rather live as a slave then have my head cut off.”
“Good enough, bailiff set this one aside for my use. Chain her in my office.”
I almost never kept murderers. But then 25-year-old blonds with angular figures didn’t often come in on Murder Wednesday. My bailiff for women took Shirley out of the line and propelled her to my courtroom office.
Now I knew I’m not a handsome, young guy, but most young women act happy when I set them aside as my slaves — rather than being part of the courthouse steps naked sale. There the highest bidders are usually houses of prostitution in Cedar Key and Otter Creek.
As Shirley was dragged to my office I saw her face and I heard her talking furiously to the bailiff, but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. New business happened fast with ‘the line’.
When the bailiff got back to her post I sent for her and said, “You go in my office and see what the new slave says. Just listen and offer no comment, be like a friend nodding and saying “Yes go on,’ then write it all down. Do that till I go in the office. Don’t let her see you writing.”
The bailiff’s name was Beth and she was a young woman, but not anything like the beauty that I just made a slave. I thought Shirley would talk
Just like some people asked for slavery others, just a few, asked for death.
One reason I was so popular in my office as sole judge was my reputation of being ‘bloodthirsty, heartless, and having colorful executions. My extravaganzas drew large crowds. They came to hear the women scream and I always varied the types of execution so that it would be good entertainment.
Of course we let all the schools out for the day. I had my folks in charge of selling hot dogs, cold drinks and popcorn to kids and adults. Unfortunately pickpockets worked the crowds. We usually arrested more than we did away with every designated Wednesday. My police arrested more than a hundred on every execution Thursday.
Almost all my court staff, hired police and owned prosecutors attended and helped with executions. By the end of Murder Wednesday in December I had 22 women, some I had sentenced to hang, and others to be electrocuted and five to burn at the stake. I called that ‘STEAK ON A STICK;’ It never hurts to have a little humor about your work. I know that once witches were burned up, and my prisoners were not of the Devil, it was just my December, cold weather show. You really see human emotion when you throw people on a burning pile of wood in the center of town. I also sentenced 12 men to burn after the women were consumed.
Early in the male lineup I had five men who said a phrase like, “Just kill me judge. I won’t be anyone’s slave.”
So Thursday was a sort of CELEBRATION OF JUSTICE at the courthouse. I was like the ringmaster at the circus.
In early morning, daybreak, in chilly air of December North Florida I had the naked slaves brought out for group sales, and individual bidding. That day about 200 were sold.
Then as 3 bands from local high schools, and the Gator band played school football tunes the first criminals were brought out. Their crimes were read, and the doomed were adjusted in various electric chairs. My chairs were not set to kill quickly, there is no drama in quick. Their purpose was first pain, and then to set each prisoner afire. We plugged the chairs, by extension cords into regular wall sockets. If any of the chairs actually caught fire we gave the kids marshmallows to roast them over the burning corpses. If it was a big fellow and the electricity didn’t kill him, then an ax would be sent over and sever his head.
All the condemned died one way or the other. According to the local paper, The Gainesville Sun/Star Banner , our December crowds around the courthouse were over ten thousand people.
On the Wednesday night I got Shirley I went in my office briefly at 7 PM, after I had finished both murder lines. Beth came out and I ate ribs from Big Boy’s barbecue while Beth wrote her report and answered my questions about Shirley.
Usually Beth made my stay over at the court-house comfortable, by sleeping on the office couch Wednesday nights. She seemed ot relish her couch position so I expected a little bias in her report. She had notes and wrote furiously.
I called the prosecutor. His name was Roy Harris and he was also on duty Wed and Thur during our trials and executions.
Roy was a fat jolly man. You didn’t often see slave men who smiled a lot, but Roy did. “Look”, I told him, “I chose to keep the woman Shirley Jones, for my own use. She had a large estate, which we grabbed up, but she didn’t try to buy her freedom. I would think she could find a million credits.”
“Oh I’ve been worried silly by her lawyer Marcus Harold already. He wants to buy her before the auction.”
“Did he call you about that?”
“Sure did, wanted to know what you will do with her.”
“I told him I didn’t know.”
“Well I believe we have a lawyer crime here. You go with the police chief to arrest Marcus. Question him tonight about what he was going to do with Shirley?”
“What do we change the lawyer with?”
“I think maybe he was having an affair with the wife Shirley and one or both of them killed the husband.
Do some heavy questioning. Toenails are very painful when they come out of lawyer feet.”
“Yes master, I hear and I obey.”
“Another thing Roy, as you do toenails ask about where the money is that Marcus and Shirley had put aside for their getaway.”
I read all of Beth’s writings about what Shirley said and as I expected her question was, “How can the judge not auction me on the courthouse steps?” She was told by her lawyer that he would buy her, and that I ALWAYS sold all the murderer women.
I went on with my usual routine with Beth in my office, but this time Beth was much more vigorous and excited as we played, ‘ride the pony’, on my office couch.
Beth and I finished our adult couch game by 8:30 PM and rested until 4 the next morning, when the prosecutor knocked.
As I dressed Roy said at my door, “Master I have the lawyer Marcus Harold and he’s ready to confess killing Mr. Jones, Shirley’s husband.”
“How many toenails did it take?”
“His left foot.”
“Did he do the husband killing himself?”
“No he was in Ocala with Shirley. Shirley paid Patrick Saser to shoot her husband Jack while they were away at the Holiday Gomez Hotel on Pine Avenue. The price of the hit was 50 credits.
They had two million credits hidden in Marcus’ van, and planned to make a quick get-a-way to a little cottage they bought in the lawyer’s name on the beach overlooking the Gulf of Mexico.
I already had Patrick Saser and since he was a career criminal and had chosen slavery, he was just sold.
Marcus Harold I had castrated and then made him a helper (para-legal) for prosecutor Roy. Shirley Jones was trained by Beth as another bailiff, and a sometimes couch substitute, when I slept over at the courthouse.
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Another story by the same author, with links to other stories is: http://unsightlyteeth.wordpress.com
